Dear Lily, I have been a huge dork forever. I want people to like me this school year. Can you tell me how to be cool?

-Nerd who wants revenge

Dear Nerd,

This depends on what kind of cool you want to be.

If you want to be average, run of the mill, accepted by mediocre high school aristocracy, you’re a douche. But the best way to achieve this is to get a makeover! Take a lesson from all the worst makeovers in Teen Movies: It can be as simple as Laney in She’s All That, in which she cuts her hair, takes off her glasses, and puts on a dress. It can be as traumatic as the goth chick’s tragic makeover in The Breakfast Club: Black eyeliner discarded, feathered hair scraped back under a very silly headband, and coral striped cheekbones. Or, indeed, Adrian Grenier’s makeover in Drive Me Crazy, during which Melissa Joan Hart takes a perfectly lovely anti-establishment type with fantastic floppy hair and an orange tee shirt and makes him wear khakis (the BEIGE KIND), a jumper, and stupid haircut!

Any of these examples may prove to be just the thing you were looking for, but if you ask me, you’ll never be teen movie cool unless you suddenly hook up with the most popular guy/girl in school immediately post-makeover. If this is unlikely, you ought to make the transition to being actually cool.

How do you do this, you ask? It’s all about the charisma that comes with being comfortable with who you are, and confident in yourself. First of all, don’t refer to yourself as a nerd unless you think nerds are cool. Second, walk with confidence. Stand up straight, relax, and smile. You do NOT have to apologize for existing. If someone’s got a problem with it, it doesn’t matter. Cause you know you rock. Even if you don’t think so, fake it. Next, stop trying so goddamned hard. Don’t think about being liked by everyone. That’s not important. Do things that will make you like yourself more. Concentrate on what you’re really good at and get better at it. Spend your time doing things you love. All of these will attract people to you, because they’ll see you walking down the street or whatever and go, ‘Wow, that guy knows what’s going on.’ Or ‘Uh, oh – if I take the piss out of him, he won’t care. Maybe I shouldn’t try.’ See? Not bad!

Lastly, stop seeing social classes. There aren’t any nerds. Just cause someone’s popular doesn’t make them a good person. The nerdiest guys I knew in school ended up being like, hotter than the sun once we graduated. I kid you not! So I guess what I’m trying to say is that if someone doesn’t want to be friends with you because of some stupid social hierarchy, then they’re seriously not worth being friends with. And likewise, if you put people into categories and shun them accordingly, no one’s going to want to be friends with you, either.

Still, if you just want revenge, you’ll become really popular and do something terrible to get it, then realize the evil-doers aren’t so bad after all, then have to apologize after having learnt a little something about yourself, etc. Might as well skip to the end part when you forgive everyone, everyone’s okay, and the cheesy pop music starts playing.