Dear Lily,

I have been surfing MySpace, and I saw the bumper sticker "I Love Taints". I know I’m sheltered, but what is a taint?

Confused in Fargo, ND

Dear Confused,

That’s a good question. The helpful people at www.peevish.co.uk defined it as:

“Taint: Noun. The perineum. Something of a pun, because it ain't the anus, and it ain't the vagina or balls.”

Hm. I’m not so sure that’s a pun. It’s more of a contraction, really. That aside, I imagine the real question would be, who would want that on a bumper sticker? I mean, the perineum is basically an inch long section of skin between the testicles and anus. Men supposedly like it stimulated because it’s the closest you can come to ‘the male g-spot’ without actually penetrating the anus. That’s all well and good and everything, but once again, why would you want that on a bumper sticker? Who’s ‘taint’ is he/she expressing affection for? Is it his own or someone else’s? if it was his own, wouldn’t it make more sense to say ‘I (heart) MY taint’? I’ve never heard a woman say ‘I love Clit’ unless she’s talking about liking somebody else’s. Or is it somebody, male or female, saying they love ‘taint’ in the collective? In which case, why? Why would they? There’s no reason to like it unless it’s yours and somebody’s poking it. It’s an unexciting patch of skin that had mixed results as to whether or not it’s particularly sensitive. So unless they’ve got a thing, a fetish, if you will, for this random section of flesh, there’s no reason to have this bumper sticker at all. If it is just a fetish, why don’t they have other fetish bumper stickers? Like ‘I love feet’? ‘Because that would be weird,’ I hear them say. No weirder than liking ‘taint.’ Unless its yours. What a stupid bumper sticker. It should just say ‘I (heart) C*ck’ and be done with it. It’s like they wanted to but didn’t cause it’s more blatant or something. Maybe, but at least it makes SENSE. Myspace is weird.

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