We were somewhere outside Swansea, on the edge of Llanelli, when the doughnuts started speaking.

Alright, so maybe the doughnuts weren’t actually talking, but they were certainly there, and someone was talking. Or at least playing the recorder in the bushes. It was weird, I’m telling you. Nevermind how we got there. The fortune teller in my pocket had told us to go left, right, away from home, into the wild, up and down narrow country roads going entirely too fast until we ended up doing a huge circle, inevitably ending back in the deceptively large Llanelli. The sun was starting to come up and the ditches were breathing mist in ghost shapes all the way home. We passed more cemeteries than could reasonably be expected, passing through Llanelli, Llannon, Hendy, Llangennch, and Bryn. We’d used Spooky’s iTrip to pirate a radio station and I played songs at random throughout the road trip, each one sounding strangely spookier than the last. It was between Swansea and Llanelli, when we saw a funny looking bridge -- like a miniature of the big one in Swansea outside Sainsbury’s -- that we decided to stop for breakfast.

We pulled over next to a sign that said something about dangerous fishing conditions -- marsh land! So we crossed the road, hopped a fence, and followed a little path until we found the end of the bridge. Spooky (like the true Victorian gentleman he is) gave me his jacket because I was essentially wearing my underwear -- (he was essentially wearing NO underwear) -- and we climbed to the top of the bridge. Once up there we linked arms and ate our pink frosted doughnuts. Well, I did. Spooky poured out a bit of Coke as a libation to Venus, who was rising in the east, took two bites of his doughnut and asked if I thought there was anything in it that would cause harm to the wildlife. I said I didn’t think so, so he chucked it out into the dark, after which he announced he intended to pee off of the bridge into the hedge below. Far be it from me to stop him, but I had to ask, 'Spooky, do you think there’s anything in that that would cause harm to the wildlife?'

'No.' He said. 'Not directly...'

Strangely empowered, Spooky then proclaimed, 'It's things like this that remind you that there’s no reason you can’t go driving at three a.m. to a place you don’t have any real idea where it is and pee off of a bridge.'

Now, I don’t know about you guys, but the fact that Spooky can piss off a bridge in the Styx makes me feel a little better about myself.

So we spent an hour or two driving around through West Wales, managed not to hit anything, had doughnuts, and were whistled at by some unseen culprit in the bushes. Probably someone upset at being hit by Coke, a doughnut, and ultimately piss. This achievement in mind, we decided to head home. On the way back through the shrubbery, Spooky decided it would be a good idea to moon the moon. I was really hoping someone was going to drive by, but was out of luck. So Spooky pulled his pants up and we drove back to Swansea.

So on the way back into town, I flashed the cute guy at the overnight garage. He didn’t give much of a reaction, but I figure working overnights must mess with your head a bit anyway. Anyway, I’m just going to keep flashing him I think until he calls or something. He said he would! After our initial stop at Tesco, before the fortune teller told us where we were going, we stopped at the overnight garage because Spooky had forgotten to get Lucozade. And because I fancy the guy there and Spooky knows it. It's because he looks just like Whereareyourshoes! Well, cleaner, and maybe more coherent, and then there’s the fact that his shoes are on his feet and not around his neck, but never mind! Spooky just laughs at me and tells me to flash the guy. So I did! Yeah, but before that, we stopped by and I offered him a sour strawberry. He said no, so I asked him if he’d rather have one of Mr. Misty’s chicken biscuits. He said no to that, too. So I passed him a piece of paper through the drawer in the glass with a lip print on it and I told him if he went home with me, I’d share my Dr. Sacred with him. He actually seemed pretty impressed with the offer and said that sounded pretty good. So I think I pulled! I probably should have left him my number or something, but that didn’t occur to me at the time. Anyway, he’s got the lip print, so maybe he can do something with that? Or maybe he can use the CCTV pic of my boobs as we passed by in the car. 'Excuse me, ma’am, but do these belong to you?' Yes, Officer. They do.

The long ride into bat country, or how I learned that public nudity and stinging nettles don’t mix.

It was creeping nearer to three am when Tink bust through the boredom with the idea of chasing down the dawn. For a few seconds I was stunned into silence, the night’s monotony weighing heavily upon me, and not enough caffeine. I stood up and uttered 'Buy the ticket!' throwing Tink the keys, 'Take the ride!!!' she finished.

We were hurtling through the sickly yellow of a city lurching through the night. Before we knew where we were, except in the middle of a conversation on which doughnuts to buy, Tink yelled over the music 'There! Damn Spooky! TESCO!' We were going over forty and the turning was practically behind us, but this was no time to admit defeat, turn the wheel, don’t over brake and let it all flow around you. The car finally stopped right outside the front entrance to that God's forsaken hellhole that is TESCO at 3 am.

You’d be forgiven for thinking that it’s like TESCO at 3pm. But it’s not. Without the people, the place literally sucks your soul from you; you can feel it, somewhere between dying peacefully in a daze and being given the feircest beating of your life, the feeling of it anyway. Still the zombie staff and the trolleys with new and fresh goods on only add to the horror. This is the black magic of the supermarket, when everyone else sleeps they put everything old but shiny on the front of the shelves to make you buy the crap, then they put the new stuff at the back, where it’ll get bought last! The only way to beat the bastards is to rummage away through each shelf and find the stuff hidden behind last week’s apple pies! Anyway, latex gloves, doughnuts, candy sticks and a bottle of coke later we were out of that hellhole and back to the black.

Before we went much further, Tink spotted a cute guy manning a petrol station, we pulled over and she slipped him a paper, she got his number and the time he got off. Still, before long we were lost, and so consulted the Oracle.

The Oracle suggested we head towards Llanelli which we did. It took a while and we cruised for ages before reluctantly giving up our search for the castle.

Eventually we got fed up of driving and stopped for our well-deserved doughnuts. Under a bridge, its single pylon eerily illuminated against the deep navy sky. Finding our way onto the bridge was more work than we guessed, after a longer walk than necessary passed a national grid transformer station and water processing plant, we found the path to the bridge. Once we were standing almost above the car we relaxed for the first doughnuts of the day, possibly the country. We surveyed the land, a valley, which you tend to see a hell of a lot of in Wales. Marsh, the road and a upmarket housing estate, with some building going on in the distance. We threw our left-over doughnuts into the bushes below as an offering to the morning star that hovered gleaming at us just above the horizon. About this time I felt a desperate need to pee. I made my way to the edge and let lose. The main surprise was how little arc you get for how high you are, or at least it seemed so for me on the top of the bridge. Zipping my self back up, I turned to Tink and said 'It makes you feel great, doesn’t it? Like we can do anything, you know the way we can just take off at 3 am, get lost in the back roads of Wales, eat doughnuts to this view and piss off a bridge overlooking a posh housing estate… it's great.' Tink giggled and pulled her coat tighter, the morning was colder than we’d expected it being in the middle of a 3 day solar flare-athon. Still we reluctantly went back on the move, fighting our way through stinging nettles on the way back to the car. Once we reached the bank we noticed the way the moon was mooning us, well I did. Tink was saying how it was cold as she was wearing practically only underwear, which of course reminded me I wasn’t wearing any. I turned and saluted the moon with both cheeks. Tink giggled at my mooning the ultimate mooner, but I felt better, having given it a taste of its own medicine. We bungled into the car, spinning a 180 and careering off back to home.

The sun was nearly upon us now, we didn’t have much time to get back. We made the city before we expected, which gave us time for one last gesture. Under the influence of Tink we drove by the petrol station the cute guy worked at and without stopping or driving too fast, Tink flashed the boy as we drove casually through the place. As she pulled her top back into place I turned and asked 'Mission complete?', Tink smiled in that wistful way she has, like a fairie has just ducked out of reality in front of her and replied 'For now...'