10. Cookies. Who doesn’t love cookies? If he doesn’t, try...

9. Rugby season tickets. Come on, best girlfriend (or boyfriend) ever! Not a rugby fan?

8. Tell him you have super powers. He’ll spend weeks trying to figure out what they are. Already knows what they are?

7. Bribe him. More cookies? More sports? Let him listen to Guns & Roses on repeat for a week (If so, skip to number 1)? No?

6. Offer him a threesome with you and your hottest friend. Go on, you’ve wanted to snog her for ages anyway. Doesn’t work, or your hottest friend is Big Gay George?

5. Hide his shoes. Ha! Can’t get to far in your stilettos, can he? If he can manage it...

4. Steal all of his pants and trousers. He won’t leave the house naked from the waist down. If he tries...

3. Lock him in. If he climbs out through a window, use...

2. Handcuffs (see photo). Hell, Paul’s still here. If this doesn’t work, simply...

1. Break his legs and flush his mobile. Gag him or keep him sedated to prevent tiresome screaming.

Top 10 ways to deal with a traumatized man with rugby season tickets, broken legs, and no mobile when you get bored

10. More cookies?

9. Football season tickets? He’s already going to the rugby.

8. Put him in a wheelchair and roll him down the hill. Surely someone will stop to help him eventually?

7. Bribe him.

6. Explain that you’ve decided you don’t want to keep him after all, unlock the handcuffs, and skip into the sunset with Big Gay George.

5. Take his season tickets and just leave him there. Where’s he going?

4. Leave him on the doorstep of the slapper he’s leaving you for, or, if not applicable, his last girlfriend and let her deal with him.

3. Drive him out into the country and set him free.

2. Back over him with your car and report it as an accident. His crazy ravings will be taken for severe shock.

1. Leave him in your basement listening to Guns & Roses on repeat until he goes completely mad and you can safely commit him.