Can you have a great night out in Swansea on a tenner, without stealing or selling yourself? Yes! To prove it, me and Tink went out armed with ten pounds each and our imagination.

We decided to mount a two man siege on the castle in Castle Square, using weapons acquired from the fount of youth and wonder: Toys’R’Us. For only two pounds each we had a bow or dagger and mounted the most ineffectual siege in history. After a brief duel with ice lollies, to decide the honour of who should attack first, we advanced. By the time we reached the walls not a single defender remained even though our arrows flew occasionally to our own feet. We scaled the wall and I personally beat back the brutal hedge that lay savagely in wait for us. We were victorious, and me and Tink stood proud in our conquest.

If you prefer some human interaction, or to be rather blunt, intercourse, then the clubs are the answer. The Escape is only three pounds entry before eleven, provided you don’t pay for some bimbos to get in as well. Still, prepare yourself to be shocked: Boys running out of the toilets exposing themselves, people giving blowjobs three inches from your ear and having to bat off everyone with some excuse as to why you can’t fornicate with them tonight. Tink is very well practiced at this last skill, once single-handedly batting off at least twenty invitations in one night.

Later that night, we found ourselves on the beach. The beach is good if you want nude swimming, topless bathing (HA!), sand in every orifice and a wonderful view. However, if anyone went swimming in the Bay, let alone nude, I expect they should die of a horrible and disfiguring disease within the year. So enjoy the FREE beach anytime, but don’t have too much fun now. We threw stones and attempted to make sand castles, but only managed to make amorphous piles of wet sand. Tink wouldn’t believe me that the sea in November is cold. She does now! Fairies can catch obscene frost bite…

On the way back to town, you should, unless your navigating is totally screwed by this time, pass Tesco. I cannot even begin to describe the terror of Tesco at three in the morning. The dead and empty place is horrible and zombies stack shelves, but, as Tink pointed out, mini-donuts are only one pound twenty pence. We fled after buying our prize, riding a trolley until the wheels jammed. Why do they have to ruin a bit of good fun by locking the damn trolleys?!

Before our misguided adventures, we needed help. There is only so much two people can imagine in one night. Fortunately, our sanity was raped by the UCI cinema screening of Forty Year Old Virgin for three pounds eighty. If ever I felt more like running into Swansea Bay, I fear for the safety of mankind. Some films are so stupid they make assaulting Castle Square with a plastic dagger and a crappy bow sane, so trashy they make the Escape look like a cathedral to virtue (well a small shed), so horrible I prefer Tesco at three at morning and so painful I’d rather run naked into Swansea Bay for a night time swim. Tink loved it so much that she nearly peed but agrees with the last point. But then again, she just likes running into the sea naked, full stop. Still not bad for a whole evening in Swansea on a tenner.