"The Wicker Man" stars Nicholas Cage and an unknown psychotic female love interest. Cage, who plays a cop, receives a letter from said psychotic lost love interest in a plea to find her missing child, on a secluded island in the Pacific Northwest. This is freaky in itself (if you've ever been to the Pacific Northwest, it has by far the most cults per capita in the US.

So Cage runs about the island of mostly women, who are monosyllabic pagans(good) who, throughout the movie, turn into murderous man- hating psychotics (bad).

There is no mojo or sex in the movie, and Cage gives us that blank stare we know so well until at last! He finds the missing girl, suspiciously next to an enormous erected wicker statue of Guy Fawkes. I do not lie. The head psychotic man hater ties Cage up by the legs and hoists him upside down to hang in the Fawkes statue which is also filled with an assortment of farm animals. I’m calling PETA.

The little girl Cage ran all over to find carries a burning torch and lights the statue on fire and Cage burns to death. Nicholas Cage NEVER dies in a movie. The freaky cult of man haters gleefully skip away amid the shrieks of Cage and the animals, (SICK) singing "Have you seen the muffin, I mean Wicker man who lives on Drury Lane?" End. Except for grandma announcing loudly "THAT was weird, Nicholas Cage never dies." Yes. Yes, it was weird.

D+

"The Illusionist" stars Edward Norton (Ha Ha, I’m dating "Am I not beautiful? Salma Hayek) and Jessica Biel and is based in the 1800's. The movie had just started, and already I heard my dad’s voice in my head saying "More 19th Century crappola. Want some Pringles?" I don’t often hear voices in my head, but this time I should’ve taken the hint and gone to get some Pringles and gone home to watch an episode of “Desperate Housewives."

Back to the movie. Based in Prague, Norton played a talented magician, and Norton(usually mojo-less, kind of like your best guy friend next door that you'd never kiss)was almost alluring in the part. The nemesis was played by Rufus Sewell, who played the almost to be crown prince of Czechoslovakia, and who has great sexy potential, but has disturbingly mean eyes and almost always plays a prat.

Basically, Norton puts on magic shows, and he and Sewell fight for the affections of Jessica Biel, until Sewell is found out to be a letch and thus shoot himself. I walked out at this point and bought some gummy bears for Grandma.

That’s it, long movie short. Kudos go to the Czech Movie Orchestra whose background music was phenomenal and the best part of the movie. At the end of it, Grandma turned to me and said "That was Crap". I smiled and said, "Lets go get some Pringles".

C-